Today's Links--Injuries Edition

• Jamal Crawford explains why he's not a loser. He sucks and so do the Knicks, but it makes for interesting reading.
• Without Z, it ain't gonna happen. According to Mike Downey at least.
• Off day for North Siders and South Siders. They both need it. Especially with Quentin and Zambrano being dinged up.
• A look at Vinny Del Negro from SI.com. Mostly bland but he does say he wants Gordon back.
• My favorite words from an opposing coach: "We're going to kick to Hester". Thanks Tony Dungy.

Your Big Ten Weekend Outlook

Well, the first week of Big Ten football was kind of exciting, with Illinois, MSU, and Michigan falling short on comebacks. Week Two promises to be downright boring. Hopefully. I haven't looked up all the spreads, but I would think every Big Ten team would be favored this weekend, except maybe Minnesota at Bowling Green (depressing).

The best game of the week should be Oregon State at Penn State. The Beavers on the road, at Beaver Stadium. Ha, beavers. Penn State should win this one by a couple touchdowns. So much for exciting games.

Other things to watch in the Big Ten this weekend include the absence of Chris Wells from the OSU lineup, whether Michigan's offense can sustain a drive over 40 yards without aid of a penalty playing Miami (OH) at home, and Northwestern at Duke: they may cure cancer with all the brain power in the stadium.

As for the rest of the games, they all play no one. Illinois hosts Eastern Illinois, so just pretend that everyone plays Eastern Illinois and you'll have the right idea.

One more thing: Wisconsin hosts Marshall this weekend, after hosting Akron last weekend. Their remaining out of conference games are at Fresno State and a home date with Cal Poly. Fuck you Wisconsin. Play someone with a pulse in your out of conference schedule. I hope P.J. Hill gets cholera. Have a beautiful weekend!

Zambrano Update

Zambrano has rotator cuff tendinitis:

Zambrano received a shot of anti-inflammatory medication and hopes to return to the rotation next week.

Good news I guess....

Einstein Bagels Cure For Cubs Slump

Don't stress Cubs fans. I know this last week has been a rough go. No one likes getting swept by the Astros, especially at home. Personally I was getting pretty close to the ledge, about to jump, when I was saved. Ryan Dempster was the man to do it. Before you jump Cubs fans, read this. Dumpster has it all figured out:

"We've just got to come to the field and have a good day off [Thursday]," he said, "maybe go get some Einstein's Bagels in the morning, go for a nice run, then have a nice plane flight, go have a nice dinner and go to Cincinnati refreshed and put this behind us and just play well."

Lovely. I wonder what else Einstein's bagels can do. You think it could get me a good job? Will an Einstein bagel convince my girlfriend that this blog isn't ruining our relationship? I don't know for sure, but if the Cubs turn things around, we'll sure know why.

Sarah Palin Is Hot

I don't agree with her views, and apparently she was just an average sportscaster on some local Alaskan news station, but she loves America. Look at this picture and try to tell me she doesn't. All she needs is a cigar hanging out of her mouth.

***UPDATE--Apparently this photo is fake. Oh well.

Why Doesn't Anyone Ever Take LenDale White In The First Round Of My Fantasy Football Draft?

Chris Cooley held his own Fantasy Football draft and apparently videotaped it.  This is funny for numerous reasons.  Besides the star-studded cast (Cooley, Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, etc.) there are some great moments.  Colt Brennan takes LenDale White in the first round.  Cooley calls everyone gay.  And much much more.  Enjoy.  Oh and Cooley's wife is so hot.

Today's Links--Cubs Season Down The Toilet Edition

• Zambrano misses his MRI. Re-scheduled for today. Skeptics weigh in on it.
• Bears injury report for Sunday
• Michael Jordan playing softball with a fat cigar hanging out of his mouth. Apparently the American Cancer Society is not thrilled.
• Cubs lose again. I don't want to talk about it.
• Brian Urlacher's Old Spice commercial.
• White Sox get a much needed win. They are all alone atop the Central again. For a minute.

Tennis Post!!!

I don't think we are in danger of turning into a "tennis blog" and this was just too good not to post. Here is an exchange between a reporter and Andy Roddick following his win Tuesday night, which put him in the quarterfinals of the U.S. Open (the win, not the exchange). They are talking about the injuries to Roddick's quarterfinal opponent, 3rd seed Novak Djokovic (pronounced like choke-a-bitch):

Roddick: Isn't it both of them? And a back and a hip?

Reporter: And when he said there are too many to count …

Roddick: And a cramp.

Reporter: Do you get a sense right now that he is …

Roddick: Bird flu.

Reporter: A lot of things. Beijing hangover.

Roddick: Yeah.

Reporter: He's got a pretty long list of illness.

Roddick: Anthrax. SARS. Common cough and cold.

Fuck and yeah to Andy Roddick for that one. For those who don't follow tennis, choke-a-bitch has been, to say the least, injury prone throughout his short career. In every tournament the annoucers give him the Favre treatment as if he's playing with a broken leg and three broken arms. The match will take place Thursday night. Hopefully more sweet quotes will follow.

That'll Show Him!

The Detroit Lions came to terms with discarded running back Rudi Johnson Monday. And what better way to start your time in the Motor City than to have your shit stolen?

While Johnson was meeting with Matt Millen, working out the deal, he left his bags out in the hallway. When Millen and Johnson walked out of the office, the bags were gone. So what happened? There are plenty of plausible scenarios: extremely efficient hazing by teammates, a couple of equipment managers on top of their games took them to the locker room already, just to name a couple. In reality, it was more of a third grade stunt. Tatum Bell, the Lions former second string running back, stole them.

Of course he did. Bell claimed he thought the bags were someone else's, then threw a fit kicking his feet on the floor and went home. I know there was a story a couple years ago about a third string punter stabbing the backup in the leg, but this is the NFL folks. This could only happen in Detroit. When Rudi was asked about the incident he said, "hey, at least I didn't get shot." He didn't really say that, but you know he was thinking it. Also thinking, "even Chris Henry wouldn't pull this shit."

Tatum Bell was released and Rudi should see time in the Lions backfield this season.

White Sox To Face Darth Vader In Crucial Mid-September Series

Scheduling error?  Promotional Giveaway?  Who knows, but either way this is not a friendly looking schedule:

It's been a crazy season for the South Side, but defeating the Empire (note the game is against the Yankees) will be very difficult. 

Yoda: You must not face him!  You're training completed you have not!

Ozzie: What the fuck are you?  Fuck you you little homo puppet.  That's just Hank Steinbrenner.

Chill Son, Ben Gordon Can Fry Up A Mean Pizza

Since my obsession with the Bulls and Ben Gordon's contract situation is familiar to everyone, (whether you like it or not) I won't explain how I found this.  Suffice it to say my days consist of surfing the interwebs looking for things about the Bulls.  Anyways, I stumbled on a funny Ben Gordon piece.  This is from back in 2005, and I'm not sure about its reliability, but whatever, it's funny:

I went to UConn and saw current Bulls and former Huskies guard Ben Gordon at a party. This genius took a Tombstone pizza out of someone's freezer and unwrapped the plastic. Instead of popping this pizza into the oven, he turned a stovetop burner on and placed the pizza on there. Failing to take the cardboard off of the bottom, Ben's pizza started smoking up the entire apartment til the owner noticed and yelled across a crowded party "what the hell are you doing?" Ben replied in kind: "Chill son, I'm cooking suttin.

What an idiot.  Keep this story in mind when you are analyzing the seemingly insane things Gordon does regarding his contract situation (and arguably his shot selection).  

Today's Links--Can't Win A Baseball Game Edition

• Bears get a guard. Finally they made a move that makes sense.
• Cubs lose. And lose and lose. Step away from the ledge Cubs fans, we have a long way to go.
• Zambrano's arm is still bothering him.  Never mind about stepping away from the ledge, just jump.
• Things are looking grim lately for the White Sox. Just ask the guys at Luol's Dong.
• Top Ten Bears Fantasy Football Contributors. I'm thinking what you're thinking, and yes, they had to reach quite a bit to come up with 10.
  
• Sox get smashed again. Twins also lose. It's too close for comfort.
• Mike North is back on the air! Well the internet anyways...and hes broadcasting from Wildfire? I don't get it.
• Will Ben Gordon take the offer from Moscow?  Should he?  Should the Bulls let him walk? Kelly Dwyer weighs in.
• White Sox want...need Linebrink back. Looks like its close to happening.
• Tommie Harris injured? Where does it stop?

Its Time to Start Asking Some Questions

The White Sox are killing me, and it is a slow a painful death. Here the Sox stand, at the beginning of September, in the midst of a battle for the AL Central. Battle is term that we will use very loosley at this point. Maybe it would be more appropriate to call it a comedy of errors. Either way the Twins are give the Ozzie and the South Siders gift after gift, whether it is Joe Nathan commiting a throwing error in the bottom of the 9th or it is Boof Bonser blowing a lead the Twins are not doing themselves any favors.

But the White Sox, who have lost 5 of 6, are just not playing up to their abilities. And I want to know why. In this article written on ChicagoSports.com written by Rick Morrissey in early July he talks about an e-mail exchange he has with Ozzie Guillen. Here's the catch, he publishes Ozzie's e-mail address. Not only that but he says Ozzie will respond to fan's e-mails. The address is OzzieGuillen13@hotmail.com

So here is the mission if you choose to accept it: Write to Ozzie and engage him enough to answer some questions. I would like to hear what his plan is for the remainder of the season but if you can get any type of response from him that is awesome. If somehow you do have a conversation with him than I will post it and give you a special prize.

Let's see where this goes.....

Rodney Harrison Not Scary Compared to Prince of Darkness

Well, David Tyree made some people hit the rewind on the DVR last night on ESPN's E:60 (of course I wasn't watching, I had to count the hairs on my arms instead). Here's the kicker:

"Somebody asked me what my name was and I told them, 'the devil,' " Tyree said on ESPN's "E:60," which airs on Tuesday. "I can't make this up. There's no benefit in me telling the world that basically I was demon-possessed. In my right mind I'm not going to tell anybody I'm the devil."

Tyree, of course, made the big play in the Super Bowl leading to the Giants upset win over the Patriots. Before dealing with the Pats, however, Tyree had to rid himself of, well...Satan. Tyree believes Satan took possession of his soul and was speaking to him. He even says he took to "slithering off the couch." Ah, like a snake...I get it.

Tyree explained his postgame ritual at Syracuse as having a 40, a blunt, and a half-pint of Jack Daniels. I mean, I respect the guy for getting his shit together, but if a beer, joint, and a few shots means you've been possessed by Satan, then I think this Satan must be a busy fellow.

So when it comes down to it, maybe it's not all that surprising that David Tyree brought down the Patriots. They aren't tougher customers than Lucifer, right?

Big Ten Week One Wrap-up

The college football season has begun and there were some big games in the Big Ten last weekend.

• The biggest game in the Big Ten, if not the nation, was Illinois against Missouri in St. Louis. Mizzou was up 31-10 at half and led 45-20 in the third quarter. Then Juice got in the flow and hit Will Judson for a 65 yard touchdown to cut the lead to 45-35. The Illini were trying to get closer when Missouri's Sean Weatherspoon stripped Daniel Dufrene and ran it in for a score and a 52-35 lead. Juice threw his fifth touchdown of the game on the last play and finished 28-for-42 with 456 yards. Missouri star Jeremy Maclin stood out with 206 all-purpose yards, including a 99-yard kickoff return for a score.


• The Rich Rodriguez era got off to a rough start in Ann Arbor Saturday with a 25-23 loss to Utah. Down 15 going into the fourth quarter, Michigan made a comeback behind defensive and special teams plays, but when a two-point conversion failed down 25-23, they weren't able to score again.


• Northwestern outgained Syracuse 484 to 225 in total yards and won 30-10 Saturday. Tyrell Sutton showed he is ready after an injury plagued 2007 with 144 yards rushing and a touchdown catch.


• Wisconsin had surges of scoring in the first and third quarters to beat Akron 38-17. P.J. Hill rushed for 210 yards and two scores as Akron couldn't handle the physical play from Wisconsin. New starting QB Allan Evridge had one touchdown and one interception, but only threw 10 times. His thoughts on his performance? "I think I did fairly well. I handed the ball off alright."


• Indiana beat Western Kentucky, Ohio State shut out Youngstown State, Penn State killed Coastal Carolina, Iowa beat Maine, Minnesota came back to beat Northern Illinois, and a comeback fell short for Michigan State at Cal.

Europe's Courtship With Ben Gordon Begins

Looks like CSKA Moscow has made an offer to BG7:

Greek news sources are reporting that Ben Gordon has been offered a $5.5 million contract with CSKA Moscow. That contract is the equivalent to an $8.9 million contract in the NBA, as European teams deal in net. Gordon is said to be demanding at least $7 million from CSKA Moscow, which would be the same amount that Josh Childress is making. That deal would be the equivalent of an $11.3 million NBA contract, and would provide Gordon great incentive to leave the NBA for Russia.

I don't have too much time to break this down right now, but we should probably wait to see whether this offer is serious before we analyze its implications.

Chicago Bears' Criminal Record Update

Radar Online does a complete analysis of the NFL in terms of DUIs, abuse, drugs and other fun criminal offenses. Here's their take on the Bears:

LAST YEAR'S RAP SHEET: Leaving the scene of an accident, drunk boating, resisting arrest, DUI.A few days before last season started, the Monsters of the Midway got a nice kick-start when star linebacker Lance Briggs crashed his Lamborghini Murcielago and amusingly left the scene. The momentum carried into the off-season, when awful running back Cedric Benson was busted for drinking on a boat, resisted the arrest, and used the opportunity to showcase his trademark toughness by crying for his momma after being pepper-sprayed. The following month, Benson was busted again in Austin for a DUI, this time in a land-roving vehicle.
KEY ADDITION: Rookie tight end Kellen Davis, who continued the long tradition of Michigan State misbehavior after getting into a bar fight back in '06.
KEY LOSS: Benson, who, while officially cut from the team for the above indiscretions, would have had a spot with the squad if he was, you know, any good.
PREDICTION: Crimes against humanity, after fans are forced to watch their anemic offense. Am I right? But seriously, this team's going to get a conspiracy to commit murder charge after they kill Brian Urlacher when his long-dormant Paris Hilton–inflicted venereal warts finally start spreading.

Sort of makes you miss those great old Tank Johnson days, doesn't it?

Today's Links--Illegitimate Children Edition

• Jason Caffey, formerly of the Chicago Bulls, is in deep trouble. Let's just say he has 10 kids by 8 women and zero moneys.
  
• Who turned off the power switch? The Cubs offense has been asleep the last few days. Cubs get blanked. Hopefully they can turn it on here, because the road doesn't get any easier.
• Koyie Hill had a long road back to the majors. Who knew?
• White Sox get owned by Cliff Lee, but so does everyone this year. By the way, Twins are tied for first again.
  
• The Bears need an o-lineman. Pro Bowler Willie Anderson was released by the Bengals. Sounds like a good fit, but apparently the money owed Anderson is the problem.
• Although things didn't go well for the Illini, Juice really looked good in the second half Saturday. Also Bleacher Report puts a positive spin on the loss as a whole.
• Soccer players are upstanding citizens in their communities. For instance, look at this guy who cheated on 3 girls and got them ALL pregnant. Wow. If that's not 'giving back' I don't know what is. (Thanks to Real Stadiums Have Roofs for this disturbingly awesome link)
  

Guillen's Unbridled Fury

When Ozzie doesn't like someone, or someone shows him up or makes him look bad, he has a unique, mature way of dealing with it. He usually goes back to the grind and tries to come out and beat the other person next time, fair and square. Sometimes he congratulates the other person on a job well done. Just kidding, he acts like a complete jackass. He goes to the media and rips the other person publicly. In line with that philosophy of dealing with problems, Ozzie had another great quote this weekend. When the 5'7" Dustin Pedroia of the Red Sox reached base 12 of 14 times in the weekend series, Ozzie had this to say about him:

''I never thought I was going to walk a goddamn jockey,'' Guillen said of the 5-7 Pedroia, a player he actually admires. ''Walking a guy who just came from being on top of Big Brown. Right now, he's on a roll. This guy right now is on fire. No matter what you throw up there, he's going to get it. I can't believe you can change professions in one year, go from the Kentucky Derby to the Boston Red Sox ballpark.''

Ozzie is the funniest man in sports. He's also a complete jackass and I wouldn't want to work with him, have a beer with him, or let him near me or my loved ones. Let the jockey-baseball jokes ensue.

Today's Links--Holiday Weekend Edition

• Wages of Wins explains why Ben Gordon being the leading scorer is not indicative of his real contributions (or lack thereof). Also a look at some other Bulls issues by the numbers.
• Two retarded Cubs fans fight after a game. The best part is that you can hear the "Go Cubs Go" song in the background as they are trying to kill each other.
• Maybe the Bears aren't good because Lovie isn't pushing them as hard in camp and practice? Sounds possible, though it is more likely a combination of factors.
• Northwestern spanks 'Cuse. Sutton with 144 yards on the ground. It's a good start, but lets see them do that in the Big Ten.
• C.C. did not throw a no-hitter. Stop whining Milwaukee.
  
• Crack in the armor? The weekend goes poorly for the Cubs. Get ready for the roller coaster.
  
• Thome reaches home run milestone. The Mick has a beer in his honor. Boy did that guy like to party.
• Illinois loses, but big year may still be ahead.
• Sox end up winning Sunday, but the real show was Dustin Pedroia. He looks like Teddy Ballgame these days.