Thursday, February 5, 2009

First Pearl Harbor and Now This?!

A friend of mine that is the ultimate complainer recently started bitching about how he hates Nintendo Wii so I told him to write about it. His letter was hilarious so I decided to post it. For some reason he wants his handle to be Michael Fucking Kibort. Here it is:

An Open Letter From Michael Fucking Kibort

St. Louis Park, MN

Being a plus-sized guy isn't always that bad. I mean there are the obvious downsides: airplane seating, pants shopping, days at the beach, etc. Playing sports was fun when I was younger; I played everything but hockey and football (I'm a jew, our mothers won't allow physical contact of any kind). I remember I could play all day, never losing a bit of energy.......then college happened. Now I labor getting into my car to go to the gym. I get tired just TALKING about sports. Among all these negatives, I did have my one sanctuary. MADDEN. WHAT A CONCEPT! A place where even the most morbid could pretend to be athletic. No one to judge, laugh, or sneer while you run the PA Fade and just ever so slightly tap the Y button to get some air under the long ball. You catch it in stride for an 80 yarder and celebrate as if your fat ass actually did the running. It's the single greatest moment in sports. Yes, the video game will forever be my place to shine as an athlete.

And then it happened. I saw the first commercial and my heart just sank to the bottom of my size 13 triple wide sneakers. An "interactive" video game system where you actually go through the motions of playing the games? Watching the ads was like seeing The Exorcist for the first time. I was terrified. People literally STANDING while playing video games. Swinging the controller like a real tennis racquet. Jumping up and down, smiling, laughing, eating baked chips and vegetables. It was like that episode of bizarro Seinfeld. What the fuck was HAPPENING!? I managed to avoid this mutant excuse for a gaming system until my asshole roommate bought one. It was like some foreigner had moved in and taken over the apartment. The Wii was my worst fucking nightmare. No more sitting, eating, and drinking while playing. Now we actually had to move the coffee table to play games......"THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE PRETEND!!" But my cries fell on deaf ears. Before I knew it, I was engaged in a tennis battle with my roommate, Aaron. You should've seen this clown. He was standing next to me dressed like Richie Fucking Tennenbaum with a headband and hotpants.....bouncing around like i was about to actually hit a tennis ball at him. The next thing I remember, I was sweating my ass off in a losing effort. It was like being in a public place trying to play tennis! I started hearing laughs and boos from thousands of spectators. I started to get dizzy and had to lay down. It was inferiority had finally made its way into my sanctuary. I wrote letters to the Higher-Ups at Nintendo, but never heard anything back. I suppose terror cells don't have a complaint department either.

"To whom it may concern,
If I wanted to play sports, I would go fucking play sports!!!!

Needless to say I don't reside in that hell-hole anymore. I have since bought a house with a ps3 and have slowly regained confidence through NCAA 2K8 and NBA 2K9. My couch has my ass imprint in my favorite seat, and I haven't seen that little white monster in months. I will never forget that day the Japanese dropped another bomb on America. I'm just curious if Ben Affleck is interested in THIS movie. Hopefully they won't drag it out 3 and a half hours like the last disaster.

Angrily yours,


1 comment: said...

Michael - you are fat...that is all

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