Fill In The Blank

It's Fill in The Blank time. What happens is I will post a random picture I select, and you guys (the readers) create a funny caption for the photo. Post your caption ideas in the comments for this story and I will post the funniest caption under the picture at a later date. Here's this week's "Fill in the Blank".

Coach Ron Zook gives some Illini linemen his happy face during the 1st quarter of the Illini's loss to Western Michigan.




Last Week's Photo:



Best caption comes from Gavin: James Andrews, M.D. later noted that Grossman's spike mechanics place an enormous strain on his elbow tendon. Grossman's next towel throwing session: TBA.

Most inappropriate and inaccurate caption comes from Ari: Olsen to Tait, " Look at that fucking retard celebrate after scoring a TD against the pathetic 0-8Detroit Lions. I wonder how he would celebrates if he ever got some pussy."

Come on Ari! The Sex Cannon may throw a lot of INTs, but he definitely gets a ton of pussy. And he doesn't celebrate when he gets pussy, the woman celebrates because he just rocked her world.

Neckbeard Thinks He's Starting

The Sex Cannon is back! It's going to be a longball-slinging, risk-taking party! Wooo...wait, what? Orton thinks he is still going to play this week? That neckbeard must have mutant healing powers because Kyle thinks he might play this week:

"I'm certainly not ruling out anything," Orton said when asked if he could play soon. "Just going week to week."

Orton said he has an ankle sprain. A source said Orton was told he'd be out three to four weeks but the quarterback isn't putting a timetable on his return.

"I feel like I got lucky," Orton said. "I'm hoping I don't miss any time."

I hope this didn't kill your boner StevieY19.

He's Back, and You Know It!

After calling for it earlier in the season, you can imagine how excited I am that the Sex Cannon is back in Chicago. Bears football is exciting again. Sure, the defense has tried to make it fun this year, giving up tons of points, falling behind to the Lions, and blowing games late, but this is what it's all about. Orton tried to woo me with his efficiency and success, but I'm not interested.

Time for the Cannon to fire it down the field, even when he has a guy open at the sticks. He's not scared. Rexy is a free agent at the end of the season and this is his chance to show some team that wants a bad ass gunslinger that he's their guy. I'm thinking the Lions.

Orton liked to overthrow his guys when they had a defender beat, but you should be prepared for the Cannon to let those guys run for a while longer and then try to throw the ball out of the back of the end zone. If you find yourself asking why this is a good idea, Rexy would tell you it's only second down and he can still blaze a bullet to Dez Clark on third down, plus the ladies love it. Then he'd kick you in the shin for asking a stupid question, because that's how he rolls.

The Sex Cannon knows that the Bears are in a tight race for the playoffs and have a good shot at winning this terrible division. Rex is no idiot, he has a plan. Don't get excited, you'll see the same old Cannon, but expect the defense to play better and Hester to finally come around in the return game. Is it Sex Cannon magic? No, the defense and special teams will be better because they know they have to. No more Orton bailing them out of games. They know that Sexy Rexy is too awesome to change, so it'll be on the rest of them to get the wins. Plus, yes it actually will be Sex Cannon magic.

Will he fumble some? Yes. Will he throw some picks and other terrible passes? Yes. But will this cost the Bears football games? Well, probably yes. But this is going to be a hell of a ride!

Today's Links

• New president elected last night. Alexi Giannoulias talks about the pick up game he played with Obama yesterday.
• Hawks rookie Kris Versteeg sings a little song. Hilarious.
• Tremendous Upside Potential thinks the White Sox won the election. It just goes to show if you meet a Sox fan, assume their IQ is about 20 points lower than the average.
• Some Bears news and notes. Is this Grossman different?
• Vinny brings in Lou Holtz to inspire the team. I'm not sure how I feel about that...oh wait yeah I do, Lou Holtz sucks.
  

Fill In The Blank

We will be running a new feature on NQTC starting today. I'm not exactly sure how often I will run this, but basically I stole the idea from Ball Don't Lie's "Create-a-Caption". What happens is I will post a random picture I select, and you guys (the readers) create a funny caption for the photo. Post your caption ideas in the comments for this story and I will post the funniest caption under the picture at a later date. Here's this week's "Fill in the Blank".

Grossman spikes the ball after a touchdown run in Sunday's Bears-Lions game. Tait and Olsen can't seem to believe what they are seeing.




Last Week's Photo:

Best Caption comes from D-Train: "Andres Nocioni sees Mrs. Nocioni talking to Shawn Kemp"

Longest Most Racist Caption comes from Gavin: "It was at that moment, when the brave and chaste Sir Andres whose search took him to all corners of the globe, from Beijing to Buenos Aires, Chile to Chicago, caught a glimpse of what he had worked so hard to find... the legendary Arc, known in other cultures as the Finger Roll, the Tear Drop, the Giant Killer. On this night, the Arc would lead him in triumphant victory over the Moors of Milwaukee led by such exotics as Sheik Mbah a Moute and Imam Gadzuric."

Today's Links

• Funny cartoon depicting "Take an NFL player to school day" starring Rex Grossman.
• Kelly Dwyer breaks down the Iverson-Billups trade (don't forget McDyess, the throw-in). Apparently this gives the Pistons a lot of cap room this summer. I'm just glad Rose won't have to face Chauncey 4 times this year.
• The Peavy trade talk rolls on. Cubs are still in the running.
• Bulls played crappy all game, then made a late run and almost won. Too bad. Also what was with that 3-guard small ball lineup? It actually was somewhat effective in short spurts, but I'm skeptical.
  

Today's Links

• Orton is out for 4 weeks with a high ankle sprain. It's the Sex Cannon's time to shine. Oh and did anyone notice Rex was growing a little neckbeard of his own?
• I love Rose as much as the next guy, but a rookie should be hazed no matter how good he is. Don't you think.
• The Eamus Catuli sign that counts the years since the last Cubs World Series on top of the building on Sheffield has been reconfigured. Some people think the sign should be taken down altogether.
  
• Nike's commercial for LeBron's new shoe is very weird. Just think of it as some sort of weird softcore porn starring King James.
• Top Ten potential White Sox pick ups this offseason.
  
• Ron Zook lands another top recruit for Illinois Football. What is this guy's secret? I hope its not cheating.
• Bears-Lions recap.
• Sam Smith weighs in on the Bulls win against Memphis. There's also a Derrick Rose interview in there.
• Brett Favre may seem old, but he's still breaking records. No longer will NFL fans be able to say that no quarterback has 300 career interceptions. Thanks Brett!
  

Sex Cannon Saves The Day

In honor Rex Grossman coming back, here's a video tribute to the Sex Cannon via KSK:

Bears Lacking in the "Artillery" Department

Bring back the Cannon!!!

If I'm going to watch the Bears lose, it better come with a side of hilarity in the form of the Sex Cannon. Orton is just so boring. Sure, he'll make a good throw now and then, but where are the interceptions twenty yards over the nearest receiver? Where are the fumbles that leave you in suspense during the first couple and rolling in laughter after the next three?

Seriously, I don't need to watch the Bears put up 17 points per week with the defense and special teams setting them all up and no Cannonage in the offense. We can watch Orton throw screen passes to defensive ends or Sexy Rexy sling bombs to safeties turned punt returners. Personally, I don't see a debate.

Bring back the Cannon and put the funniliungus back in the Bears offense.

Random Fan Thinks We Were Better Off With The Sex Cannon

I have no idea how I stumbled on this, but Bleacher Report has a story submitted by a fan as its cover story for the Bears titled "Bears Can't Win Like This With Orton". It's a short article thatmakes some interesting points. I'm a former Sex Cannon lover, but I still don't agree with this, but it is funny:

"Yes, Rex Grossman gave me heart palpitations during his brief tenure as the starting quarterback. Yes, he really did not do anything to set the world on fire in the preseason. However, and I've said this all along to anyone who would listen: Grossman can make throws Orton can't.

Case in point- Orton missing Wide Receiver Marty Booker late in the game. I'll put myself out on the limb and say the Rexy doesn't miss that throw. He may throw 2 into double coverage earlier in the game, but he makes that throw.

Remember Rex hitting Rashied Davis in overtime to set up Robbie Gould's game winning Field Goal in overtime against the Seahawks in the playoffs? Those are the kind of plays that ultimately sealed Grossman's fate, due to the simple fact that they were not readily duplicated enough to offset the terrible interceptions he threw.

Orton doesn't have it. For all the accolades of being a great game manager, Orton simply doesn't posess the skills to produce quick scores. Jim Miller was a good game manager. Brian Griese (ironically the Bucs starter this week) was a good game manager. How many playoff games did they win?

For all his shortcomings, all Rex Grossman did was take a team to the Super Bowl.

When did that stop being enough?"

I don't know who will end up winning us more games in the long run, but its just too painful to watch Rexy throw into triple coverage so often.

Prediction: Bears 17 Bucs 13

Today's Links

• Derrek Lee takes a day off and everyone goes crazy. Relax Chicago media.
• Rex seems thrilled about his benching.
• Cubbies trounce Pirates. They love to play in Pittsburgh.
  
• Remember Henry Burris, the great Chicago quarterback? Well most people don't but if you do, this might crack you up.
• White Sox blow opportunity to win 4-month delayed game, but Thome's Dinger salvages day. Sox hang onto first by a thread.
  
• Worst city to be a sports fan? Forbes has your answer.
• Is Grossman going to start again? This idiot from the Tribune seems to think so.
  

The Ultimate Shitty Quarterback

This picture comes via Kissing Suzy Kolber, though apparently it was created by the guys over at Holy Taco. Is Rex Grossman really the dumbest quarterback in the NFL such that his brain would be a part of this awesome quarterback? I guess so. Anyways, this picture cracks me up:

Today's Links

• Surprise heroes in the AL? Carlos Quentin and Alexei Ramirez are making a strong case. Sox win series in Oak-Town.
• Cubs win series in Florida, finally. Umm, have you ever heard of a rain delay when its not raining?
• Grossman and Orton both looked shitty, but Grossman looked shittier I guess? So Orton might start the season as the Bears QB.
• Looks like the NFL season might go from 16 games to 17 or 18. Interesting. I love the idea, but the will the Players Union go with it?
• Who names their kid "Wrigley Fields"? Some moron from Lockport I guess.
• I know this is old news for most people by now, but Phelps is the greatest Olympian ever. 8 golds in one olympics. Greatest athlete of all time? Maybe.
• Kane County Cougars promotion: If they hit a grand slam in the 6th, someone wins $10,000. Lo and behold! GS in the 6th. Sweet.

Today's Links

• Jannero Pargo to Europe now too? Maybe LeBron will be next...
• Grossman took a vacation to Tampa for intensive training in July. Good for him.
• Holy Cow! Daryle Ward is the man. Cubs win in comeback victory. Kerry had his first save since the blister too. He threw too many pitches but got it done.
• Another Spanish National Team photo that's insensitive to China? Nobody gives a shit about the tennis team though.
• Sox lose. Shaky bullpen looks even shakier. Twins win to pull even with Sox.
• Wilbon sang the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley this week. Journalistic integrity issues with him being a fan and not being objective? I don't have any, but apparently there is some question.
• PHELPS!!! It was a photo finish, but Phelps is the man. 7 golds down. 1 to go.
  

Former Bears Wax Poetic About Bears Offensive Mastery

Well two shitty ex-Bears that didn't pan out in Chicago because of unfortunate circumstances (old age, stupid gun laws) decided it was time to discuss the Bears offense. Mushin Muhammed and Tank Johnson chimed in recently to answer the question everyone was asking: What do Mushin Muhammed and Tank Johnson think about the Bears:

Former Bears wide receiver Muhsin Muhammad's assessment of the Bears? He told Sports Illustrated "It's where receivers go to die." And former Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson told CBS Sportsline.com that Grossman was "brittle" and "soft."

I will tell you why both of those assessments are wildly inaccurate. First off, receivers did not come here to die this year. The ones that are here are already dead. Marty Booker was never great, if you threw me the ball 200 times a year I would make some catches too. Marc Bradley was never healthy. Brandon Lloyd? Maybe, but I'm just saying that because he helped Illinois get to a Sugar Bowl.

Second, Rex Grossman is not "brittle" and "soft". He's "retarded" and "short". See Tank Johnson has no idea what he's talking about or else he was just misquoted. This analysis from such established famous shitty contract holders was surprisingly inaccurate.

All this ripping on the Bears lately is just a result of frustration with the offense. I think the Bears will be 11-5 this year. Anyone want to bet me on that?

Rex Grossman Not Paying Attention To Boos; Will Keep Paying Attention To Boobs

From the desk of StevieY19:

The Sex Cannon will fire passes down the field this season, or you know, hold a clipboard, while tuning out the boos from Soldier Field observers:

“What makes you feel better doesn't necessarily make Grossman feel worse. So boo Grossman loud enough to echo in Evanston if it's cathartic. He will hear you, but he won't be listening. Relationships are all about expectations, and Grossman no longer expects a thing from Bears fans. Correction: He expects exactly what he will hear Thursday night. And the feelings many of you have for Grossman probably are mutual.”

The feelings are mutual? So Rex Grossman really thinks Bears fans are fumbling, embarrassing picture prone ladies’ men, who can put a deep ball right in his receiver’s hands one play (only to be dropped), then nail Nick Barnett between the numbers from five yards on the next and seem to think it was so fun only to do it three more times per game?

I guess he means that they dislike each other.

Orton Gets Start; Taller is Better

Ok so the Neckbeard is starting this preseason game tomorrow. Personally I don't care which one is the starter, I just want to win. That being said, Neckbeard is taller. Period. I think the reason for the Sex Cannon's (Rex Grossman, Sexy Rexy, Savior of The Franchise) struggles stems from his height. Obviously he isn't the most intelligent guy, and he takes chances he shouldn't, but all of that would be okay if he could see over his line. Watch most of his throws. It looks like he's jumping just to throw the ball. That cannot be proper footwork, a jumping throw. That is the Cannon's problem and I truly believe unless he grows at least 3 inches, he will never be more than a streaky QB. Will the Neckbeard ever be good though? What is the deal with him? I think he would argue that the reason he never got a chance to put up decent numbers is that the offensive scheme put the shackles on him. Why not see what he can do if you let him unleash his arm? It may not be a 'sex cannon' like Rex's, but why not see hwat he can do? Preseason is the perfect opportunity. I hope Ron Turner opens up the game plan a little so we can see a bit of Neckbeard and what he can do with some trust. Go Bears.

Bears Unveil New-Look-Like-Shit Offense

I'm just going to put this entire article from The Onion on here:

BOURBONNAIS, IL—The Chicago Bears put on a display of inaccurate passing, sluggish route running, and careless ball-handling Wednesday as the team exhibited their new-look-like-shit offense to fans and media attending training camp to view a full-squad practice. "We finally have the personnel to implement a game plan of high-percentage incomplete passes, completed passes of four yards or less, and a rushing attack that lets us lose control of the game clock with complex plays that take forever to develop and generate negative yardage," offensive coordinator Ron Turner said, explaining why the Bears abandoned the "West-Coast-My-Fat-Ass" offense they ran last year. "I'm confident that both Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton possess the ability to overthrow a receiver on a deep fly pattern or find an open defender and deliver he ball with laser-like precision, so we'll be switching between them often and at random intervals to avoid either one getting into a rhythm or developing any confidence." According to Turner, the offense is starting to malfunction as a cohesive unit and has shown much more consistency at blowing assignments, missing blocks, and fumbling snaps.

The shitty part is, if you think about it for too long, it gets less funny because its actually true.

Today's Links

• Lebron to Greece, not so far-fetched
  
• Who don't Cubs fans beat up?
• Fire Joe Morgan rips Kenny Williams for the Griffey deal and Mike Downey for loving the deal. I guess FJM disagrees with Top Ten Nominee, huh?
• Crrrrrrrraaaaaaaccccccckkk!....Griffey sure has a sweet swing in Sox debut.
• Yeah, I heard Grossman is winning the battle, but what about the Bearded One?