What The F#@$? Why Every Player On The Cubs Sucks

Everything about the Cubs was despicable last night. The only bright spot was a surprisingly calm Zambrano. The Cubs are playing like complete shit right now. Every single person in the lineup is to blame, and I will commence doing so:

Alfonso Soriano: After singling to lead off the game, this turd did nothing of value the rest of the game. Every time he does that gay little hop to make a catch I just want to punch him in the face. Do you know that he is now 3-23 in NLDS appearances for the Cubs? Does he know the off-season hasn't started yet? We are paying this guy like $120 million dollars. DO SOMETHING! You're the leadoff man! And stop swinging at every fucking breaking ball thrown. You never hit them! You know what I hate? When Tony Gwynn says: "Wrigley used to be a great place to play, you never heard boos." Of course not you idiot, it's not worth booing when the team is on pace for 70-win seasons. We have a right to want our players to try and if they don't we're going to boo.

Ryan Theriot: Ok. Lets start out with 0-4. Strikeouts, groundouts, whatever kind of outs, this guy makes them. A guy who got on base at .380 this year cannot get on base once. Fine, it happens, but what the fuck happened in that second inning? Albeit the hit and run was genius by Torre and it had Theriot moving in the wrong direction, but USE YOUR GLOVE! Stop trying to be on Sportscenter and make spectacular plays. Sure it wasn't charged an error, but we all know in our hearts it was one. I love this guy, I hope he comes out and has a great game Saturday. Just stay focused Theriot!

Derrek Lee: Derrek Lee can Derrek Lee-ck my balls right now. The error was an anomaly, fine. But you are supposed to be the steady leader on this team. If you are freezing up, how do you think the younger less stable-minded players are going to react? Also, the guy is a double play machine. Thank god he didn't have one tonight or I might have shit my pants. Oh, and I was not a fan of the Bush League swipe he took at the ball as the Dodgers were trying to turn two in the 4th. At least he got a couple hits I guess.

Aramis Ramirez: This guy's playoff struggles have been well-documented, so I won't go over them here. His meaningless single notwithstanding, he did nothing of value last night. Nothing. His error didn't cause any real damage. This guy is a choke artist extraordinaire. HIT THE BALL!! He has been our "Mr. Clutch", RBI machine all year. Why does he collapse in the playoffs. Bat him 8th. Seriously. 8th.

Mark DeRosa: He made one bad bad bad bad error that pretty much cost us the game. He is the only Cub who is hitting in this playoffs, so it's hard to stay mad at him for too long. Its just annoying because he is supposed to be the guy that has been steady and reliable all year. Be the man DeRo!

Jim Edmonds: You're old, you're a Cardinal, you could have made that diving catch 2 years ago, and you're kind of a douchebag. Jimmy Baseball my ass, where are the October heroics this year? Huh?

Geovany Soto: Remember how amazing this guy was this year? I don't. It seems like a distant memory. I blame him entirely for Dempster falling apart last night. The outside strike was being called a ball, so stop making him pitch it! And why did he keep giving the sign for the high fastball when Dempster clearly was unable to locate it? This kid is too green and inexperienced for this clearly. He needs to grow up now and be a calming rational presence on the field.

Kosuke Fukudome: Fuck you.

Carlos Zambrano: For all the talk about Carlos melting down under the pressure, he seemed to hold it together pretty well last night. Even in the face of his team COMPLETELY letting him down, he maintained his composure. Even drew a walk in there. Hopefully he'll get another chance to pitch this month.

Whew, I needed to get all that negativity out. Now come on Cubbies, pull it together and play some baseball. Harden and Lilly on the mound for Games 3 and 4. Don't let this city down!