Monday, August 18, 2008

Bad News Bears - Chicago's NFL Team's Hopes Dashed Yet Again

Thanks to G.D. for finding this little story:

(AP - Chicago) As the Chicago Bears broke camp Friday, the once-proud
but increasingly fragile organization was dealt another blow to its
psyche. After Cedric Benson's decision to create his own "Don't Tase
Me Bro" moment, the signing of Rex Grossman to a one-year contract,
the bolstering of the receivers corp with Marty Booker (and all of his
1 TDs last year), and Jerry Angelo's ill-advised belief that arthritic
backs should be rewarded through the draft and contract extensions
(See Williams, C. and Urlacher, B.) the Bears' offense was in need of
a boost heading into the organization's 89th professional season.
Anonymous sources in the organization, confirmed that higher ups had
hoped to inject some enthusiasm into its fan base with the impending
signing of a little-known prospect from Northern Georgia.

In an attempt to replace the quick-to-spasm Chris Williams and avoid
crawling back into Fred "The Human Turnstile" Miller's waiting arms
(which is actually impossible, since he'd just let you blow right past
him), the Bears were placing the finishing touches on a compelling
contract offer to the colossal offensive tackle prospect from the
foothills of Appalachia, known to friends jokingly as "Big Foot".
Measuring 7'-7" and weighing in at over 500 pounds, the young talent
who some scouts joked must be "half-man, half-ape" has intrigued many
over the years, but scared off most teams with the combination of a
complete lack of schooling, prior football experience, command of the
English language and the inability to find him as he was rumored to
live with other family members in the remote forests of Northern

With the team vacating their dorm rooms at Olivet Nazarene University
and packing for Seattle, news broke across the news wires informing
the Bears organization that the prospect had been found dead.
and family members were unavailable for comment as they appeared to
retreat deeper into the backwoods in a primitive grieving process. A
recently wounded police officer and a prison guard were the first two
humans to find the franchise offensive tackle's body. While rumors of
the cause of death centered around an enlarged heart, officials
awaited the autopsy results from the Dr. James Andrews of Autopsies,
"The Real Bigfoot Hunter", Tom Biscardi.

Neither the deceased's parents nor Jerry Angelo were available for comment.

1 comment:

Rob said...

I don't know whether to laugh or be absolutely baffled...

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