With the NFL regular season about to get underway, you've either had your fantasy draft already, or it's coming up soon. With that in mind, here are some guidelines to follow during your draft.
1. Buy a six pack- It's not a quick process, this draft. We're talking at least an hour of sitting around your apartment, or parents' basement with little to do between picks unless your preparation is so bad you have to research about whether to take Hines Ward or Chad Johnson with your next pick. Bottom line, you need some beer, trust me, it will help you with the other four.
2. Make fun of your opponents- Nothing spices up a good draft like mocking your league-mates. For example, when someone drafts Torry Holt in the second round, you say, "I wasn't aware stats from 2002 are being retroactively applied." Something like that, except, you know, funny. After four of those beers you'll get the hang of it.
3. Suggest picks for others- This one is easy. Best spot is where you suggest Ryan Leaf for your luckier-than-shit friend who has the first pick of the draft. Then later in the draft you give such sound advice as, "Not a bad time to look at Chris Henry," or such false info as "Shaun Alexander looked great in the preseason."
4. Comment on the makeup of other teams- Once you're about ten rounds into your draft, and hopefully as many into your drinking, take a look at some of the teams that have been picked. There will always be something remarkable. One of your buddies will definitely have too many white guys. He'll have gone with Welker, Kevin Curtis, and Favre or something ridiculous, and some really white defense, like the Dolphins (?). Someone will have too many Patriots and then you get to make fun of him for being a closet Pats fan. Just keep an eye out.
5. Finally, use your last pick to put a stamp on the draft. Take Akili Smith, or the Sex Cannon. It's a good idea to type "SLEEPER!!!" before this pick, then bam! coke addict Matt Jones. You can always pick up a free agent kicker after the draft, don't worry about it.
So there you are; follow these tips and your team will still most likely smell of rotten ass, but your draft will be very fun. Plus, you get to drink.