Theriot Hammers Fontenot, Throws 9 Knuckleballs, Hates DeRosa, And Hits Opposite Field

NQTC favorite Ryan Theriot answered questions from Chicago Tribune readers submitted over the last week or so. I have been waiting for his answers, since this gritty ballplayer has some great quotes, even though he is seldom quoted. Well the answers are out now on chicagosports.com, and I have to say, they are as great as ever. Some Highlights:

Riot, who wins a fight between you and Fontenot? If you two teamed up, do you think you could take Zambrano out? Inquiring minds want to know... -- Erik Burgio, San Francisco

I'd beat Font's butt, though Z might kill us. But I think Z likes me, or at least I hope he does. I would never fight Font, but if I did, I'd hammer him, and he knows that.


Ryan, recently when your LSU college team was playing one of the last games at Alex Box Stadium, the radio broadcasters were telling stories about memorable games there. One story mentioned a game in which the LSU bullpen had been completely used up in a blowout. LSU coach Skip Bertman asked the infielders if anyone wanted to pitch, and you offered to take the mound. Is this story true? Does Lou know about your pitching experience? Is Zambrano worried? -- LSU Baseball Fan, Chicago

Yes it's true. Everyone knows that I've pitched. I make sure of that. I have nine different pitches, all of which are awesome. I have a 0.00 ERA, got one out, throwing all knuckleballs. I don't remember who I faced -- some dude from Ole Miss.


Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you're filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? -- Brent, Chicago

DeRosa's biceps. Just look at 'em. He's built like a pro wrestler. No, he's built like a Greek god. We used to have some competition going, but not anymore. I've shrunk.


Ryan, Is Mark Derosa really as dreamy as he appears via cable, or is he even more gorgeous in real life? -- Kirby Robinson, Lewisville, N.C.

He might be the worst looking guy on the team.


Riot -- The majority of your hits this year have gone to right field. How much of that is trying to go to the opposite field, and how much is taking what the pitchers give you? -- James, Chicago

It's just where the ball goes when I hit it.

There's a lot here to breakdown. First of all, either him and DeRo are friends, or enemies. This is the second time he's ripped him. Also I love the comment about why he hits it opposite field. What a fucking badass. If this guy was a few inches taller I bet he could fight in the UFC. Oh, and 9 pitches? Dice-K might want to take a lesson from him. I bet he throws a vicious gyro-ball. Don't talk shit fontenot, he'll break your nose.